Help me Heather Mills, I need cake!

Yesterday I persuaded my sweetheart Paul to come with me and pay a visit to our newest local dining experience, V Bites. Heather Mills’ brain-child, a vegan restaurant or as she likes to call it, “a vegan community café.” The fact that I got Paul into a vegan restaurant is a huge testimony to his love for me as he is barely tolerant of vegetarianism let alone vegan! My quest was simple. I needed cake and unfortunately I have to cut back on my dairy at the mo because of the dreaded ‘M’.* ‘M’ makes my staccato notes stick and my voice not as clear as it should be. So for the time being I am avoiding dairy which is a known cause for ‘M’ and the thought of visiting Heather Mills for cake felt like I was about to be shown the Holy Grail. As we readied ourselves to set out on a blustery, damp Saturday afternoon I felt slight trepidation. What shoes do I wear? Will my basket be frisked to reveal my 1970s Spanish tooled leather bag? Best not wear my original 1930s mink-tail hat! These were all real thoughts. I gave myself a stern talking to and told myself to “shut-up” and “don’t stereotype, you need cake.” This isn’t a review of V Bites, I am simply interested in dairy free-cake though.... the 8 waiting staff that pounced on you if you so much as moved, numerous yummy mummies with their broods and bold bright buggies, hip grandies and daddies telling their offspring to “hurry up and eat your fish fingers” were quite frankly overwhelming! I was then taken to a room with its “moving travelator of delights”(as it is described on the V Bites website) and was rather shocked to see a sushi bar-style conveyor belt circulating various dry looking uncovered slices while people sat around the bar sipping their soy espresso. Number 1 thought: This is only going to dry out the slices further and number 2: With so many people breathing over these slices in this little room is this really a healthy alternative? The numerous big round cakes under cover looked a tad boring and insipid. Oh Heather, I wanted to be seduced, I wanted to salivate with yearning, I wanted you to save me from my love of dairy. I’m not even going to go into how I was served my cake. To say it was a complicated process is enough. I chose a cake that was under cover. Cherry, Plum and Almond Cake. As it was served it quite literally fell apart on my plate. Paul and I have often noticed that vegan cakes don’t seem to hang together. Well of course that’s one of the jobs of the trusty egg. I wanted to take a picture especially with the wiggly whirl of spraycan soya cream all over it but quite frankly I was scared to get my camera out with the restaurant owner’s high profile and on account of the pouncing waiting staff!

The verdict
I sooooo wanted this to be a heavenly experience but the cake was what I call “claggy” and it seemed to stick to the inside of my mouth and it wasn't that memorable. As I write today I do remember the wonderful crunch of the almonds on the top of the cake and the tartness of the plum; that’s about it. I don’t like to be negative but this is how it was for me. On the upside my moccacino was superb, the experience only cost me a fiver, (moccacino, tea and one slice of cake,) I really liked the soya cream though there was just a bit too much, and once I got used to all the waiting staff I found them very friendly and helpful and I was even told by one that he wasn’t vegan and yes, his shoes were leather. Heather Mills has catered very well for parents of young children and dryly we commented “well she is getting them young” with V Bites being next to the children’s playground. We felt a little saddened that small children were being told by their parents they were eating something that they are not. Not very truthful is it? The Santa Clause myth seems pale compared to this. I personally liked being in an environment where I didn’t have to explain I couldn’t eat dairy and could trust what I was being given. I can also forgive a lot of what I experienced due to the simple fact that this is a new business. But... if I visit my community vegan café again it won’t be with Paul. Paul would prefer to stay at home and drink his tea with milk and eat my cakes laden with dairy.

Conclusion
So after this experience I’d better get experimenting as it looks like I have to save myself. Surely there is a way to make a mouth-watering, seductive cake that won’t cause the dreaded ‘M’ ?


*M meaning mucus, the enemy of the singer... I couldn’t bear to write it in the blog!